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I share now some of my own personal history and testimony. I do so not for self-centered or prideful reasons, but simply to give you some insights into the life experiences that moved me from living as a sinner under grace, who backslid into just a plain old sinner, who came to repentance after 24 years, and went on to receiving the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and bearing fruit for God. In this testimony, I openly and honestly share my heart with you in hopes that you will realize first and foremost that God loves you no matter what, and that He has a divine destiny just waiting for you to lay claim to!
I share now some of my own personal history and testimony. I do so not for self-centered or prideful reasons, but simply to give you some insights into the life experiences that moved me from living as a sinner under grace, who backslid into just a plain old sinner, who came to repentance after 24 years, and went on to receiving the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and bearing fruit for God. In this testimony, I openly and honestly share my heart with you in hopes that you will realize first and foremost that God loves you no matter what, and that He has a divine destiny just waiting for you to lay claim to!
I want you to know that victory in every area of
your life is yours already! I hope to
reveal to you that no matter what your past looks like, you still have an awesome
future with God! I know! Because if it happened for me, it will happen
for you and whosoever will believe! In
fact, it’s happening for millions of Believers all over the world right
now! Day by day, step by step, and from
glory to glory!
For me, life began with a violent and abusive
childhood, which then devolved into a self-destructive adulthood, and then one
day the tide turned as my walk with God resumed, and continues to become the
fruitful, purposeful, and victorious lifestyle I enjoy today! Like many people, I am not proud of much of
my past, but I can tell you that I am infinitely joyful to be walking out of
the mess that I was in, and moving towards the message that I now share with
you! No, I’m not going to share with you
how I changed from being gay to being straight.
But I am hoping to take some time to share with you how I went from
being lost to being found.
As I continue to grow in my knowledge and
experience with the Lord and the leadership of the Holy Spirit, I find I have a
gift for openly sharing personal truths from my life’s experience without much
reserve or embarrassment. Somehow, shame
never prevented me from sharing my experiences, even when I was walking in the
world apart from God.
I figured if it could help somebody to know that
they were not the only one going through pain, shame, sadness, depression,
disappointment, abuse, suffering, or violence, then I wasn’t going to stay
silent. As I now follow Christ
wholeheartedly, I believe part of God’s plan for my life all along was to be
able to empathize with others who have lived through similar experiences. People need to know they are not alone or
unique in their sin or suffering. I
know, because I always felt alone in mine.
But we have ALL fallen short of the glory, and thankfully, there is hope
for whosoever will believe!
After more than 20 years of living without God, I
didn’t know how God could ever use me to help anyone else, especially Christians! I had always attended churches that placed
more importance on the appearance of righteousness, and less on teaching us
that the righteousness of Christ was given to us the moment we accepted Him
into our hearts. I didn’t know how I
could ever show my face in church again.
I didn’t know that millions of people have had to face down these same
lonely, self-loathing attitudes, and are now serving God in mighty ways that
impact His Kingdom in a positive manner that can only be explained by knowing
that God IS!
I pray this testimony blesses you with the
realization that you can do everything that God has called you to do, no matter
where He found you, no matter what’s in your closet, and no matter what you may
have been told to the contrary! It’s
never too late, you’re never too bad, and you’re never too broken for God! Best of all, He’s never too far away!
That was the sweetest thought I had as I began
confessing my sins to Him in repentance.
I realized through that process that He had always been there girding me
up, picking me up, and holding me up! I
look back and realize how many times He kept me safe, kept me out of trouble,
and kept me as His own! God created you
and me for a unique purpose! As I share
with you how I began the process of discovering mine, I pray it will help you
discover your own, and that you will live the fullest life in the perfect will
of God which He has planned for you and your future! Jeremiah 29:11-12 says:
For I know the thoughts and plans that
I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not
for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
Then
you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and
heed you.
I found the words of this passage difficult to
believe about myself in September of 2004, when I was first invited by a
coworker to go to Lakewood Church here in Houston, Texas. I just knew there was too much sin, too much
pain, too much guilt, and too much doubt in my life to ever live for God
again. But when I first read this Scripture,
it began a life changing process in me that can only have come from God! As you read on, I pray that any condemning or
guilty feelings you may harbor about yourself will fade away into the past from
whence they came, and that you will be awakened anew, as your eyes are flooded
with the glorious Light and Truth that are in your future with God’s Love and
Promises, and the Holy Spirit’s Leadership!
I first received salvation from the Lord at the age
of 9 in 1975. I was raised on a farm in
rural Midwest Missouri and was brought up in a violent and abusive environment.
Days began at 4:30am with my father
turning on my bedroom light and then rapping his fist on the wall 3 or 4 times.
Some way to wake up!
There was never a day of my childhood that was free
from fear, pain, and physical abuse. I
witnessed my father beat my mother, pulling her hair, shoving her around, and
screaming obscenities at her for the slightest of misunderstandings and
mistakes. My mother would spend much of
her time at one of her 3 jobs, in order to avoid the situation that she found
herself (and us kids) trapped in. I
would begin my days by milking 4 cows, giving feed and water to various farm
animals, and then throwing a couple of bales of hay into the feeder where the
cattle fed. In winters, I would have to
endure temperatures of often times 5-10 degrees below zero. Summers were spent free from school work, but
also free from friends, and free from relatives, except for Mother’s Day when
the family would gather at my grandmother’s house and celebrate the women in
our family. Somehow Father’s Day was
never really recognized much.
Every year, I would pray that I would have enough
courage to let one of my relatives know about the abuse and violent situation
at home, but feared my father’s threats of retaliation so greatly that I never
breathed a word. Occasionally, my mother
would muster up enough courage to threaten to leave my father, and even had my
sister and I packed up in the car ready to go one time, only for my father to
talk my mother into staying.
Each attempt at my mother’s leaving would leave my
father so frustrated and angry that inevitably, he would turn his wrath towards
me or my sister, and find any small failure with which to launch a physical and
verbal attack against one of us. This
went on for the first 14 years of my life, and did much damage to our self
esteem, our bodies, and our emotions.
Again, I had given my heart to the Lord at the age
of 9. Each day after accepting His
salvation and learning of his healing power, I would slip away to our barn,
climb up into the hay loft, and pray to God for deliverance from the pain and
turmoil of life with Dad, while kneeling at a bale of hay. I had a genuine piety in me until I turned 14,
and then all hell broke loose. After 5
years of daily prayer, God had finally granted my pleadings for relief with the
divorce of my parents in August 1980, but by then it was already too late to
keep walking with Him. Through the
enemy’s tactics, doubt had begun to creep into my thinking, and it spiritually
paralyzed my walk with the Lord.
At the prompting of a family friend, we joined the
Mormon Church and moved to Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a chance for us to be far enough away
from my father that we could finally know he couldn’t hurt any of us anymore. But for the next 2 years, my rebellious nature
against the teachings of the Church on homosexuality, and the unsettled
emotions in my mind would rage within until I finally rejected my family, the Church
and God Himself altogether. During those
2 years, the enemy finally defeated my faith in God with fear, and I began to
turn my back on God. At that point, I
was indeed an enemy of God. I didn’t
hate Him, but I didn’t find much use in worshiping or knowing Him either.
I grew very bitter and cold toward God and blamed
Him for all the damage that had occurred in my spirit and in my family by that
time. I was angry with Him for “making”
me gay, and for “allowing” so much damage to occur in my family, my life and my
soul. I blamed myself for being so
helpless to intercede on behalf of my mother and sister, which gave me a very
poor self image. As my mother settled
into the role of single parent, my rebellion began to manifest itself with a
life centered amidst sexual sin, drugs, pride, and a defeated attitude. I figured if I was going to burn in hell, I was
going to damn well earn my place there.
As puberty hit and the hormones raged in my already
tormented mind and body, I began to experiment with sexual sin. While I know it didn’t “make” me gay, the
disconnection from my father did leave me with a sense of drift, rage,
disappointment and depression. Every son
wants to know that his father is proud of him.
While my father never made a habit of it, I look back and realize there
were a few times he uttered the words. For
the next 24 years, I lived in a downward spiral of failed relationships,
financial lack, and a growing bitterness toward God, my family and myself. My self-destructive behavior led me to
continue exploring the fleeting pleasures of chance sexual encounters as a form
of “self-medication” for the pain that was now raging inside of me. What I did not know was that the temporary pleasure
I felt was actually bondage taking root as I continued to fall ever more deeply
into the darkness of the self-gratifying human nature that everyone since Adam
is born with. But it wasn’t the bondage
of homosexuality. It was the bondage
that comes with a life absent of faith, and filled with fear, anger, bitterness
and unforgivness. However sexual sin did
indeed leave me feeling empty, used and unfulfilled each time. I found this is the same for all men who so
engage, whether gay or straight, and whether they admit it or not. Every man needs to feel the love and
fulfillment that comes from that one special someone, even as we all struggle
from time to time with never truly being satisfied sexually with just one
person. It’s the hunter instinct in us,
I believe. But God is an even greater
and more skillful hunter, and one day He found me!
My father passed away in 1992, 12 years after my
parents divorced. I didn’t go to his
funeral, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t even visit his gravesite. I simply went emotionally numb as I pushed
down every emotion I had towards him.
Polarized emotions of anger mixed with love, sadness mixed with joy,
bitterness mixed with relief, unforgiveness mixed with sympathy, resentment
mixed with admiration, and disappointment mixed with excitement all began vying
for my validation when it came to my father. I felt all these emotions towards him, but
never allowed myself to experience and process them, and learned much later in
life, that indeed I didn’t know how to process them.
And SUDDENLY!
The years of torment from my father’s rejection, rage, and bitterness
(exasperated by the emptiness I felt by engaging in my own sinful lifestyle)
finally spawned a severe emotional (or nervous) breakdown while I was at work
one day in July 2004. At this point in
my life, I was 38 years old, I had managed to establish a successful accounting
career for myself, and was enjoying some measure of financial prosperity. But without warning, at hearing of the news
of a co-worker’s father passing away, all the memories of my own father came
rushing to the forefront of my mind and burst forth, as my emotional
embattlement finally imploded “in front of God and everybody at work.” In the process of my utter humiliation, pain,
and weakness, God showed me a glimpse of His beautiful, marvelous Light, which
I now refer to as His Glory! What I now
realize actually happened was I had been spontaneously baptized with the Holy
Spirit.
I will never forget that day for as long as I live! I was suddenly in the throes of a
full-fledged emotional battle for my mind while simultaneously experiencing the
most intense, earth shaking, mind boggling, life-changing spiritual battle for
my soul. I had been following darkness for
so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to be in the presence of God’s
Light. It was wonderful and frightening
all at the same time. That day, the Holy
Spirit and Satan had a knock-down, drag-out battle for my soul, and praise God:
The Holy Spirit won!
I can only describe the event as I have found it
described in the Bible, but basically the Holy Spirit has since shown me that
Jesus interceded on my behalf. He not
only cast out the evil spirits that had taken up residence in my spirit, but
then also baptized me in the Holy Spirit, through a sovereign act of Adoption into
His family. My God-appointed time to
return to the Lord as one of His prodigal sons had come to pass. While I realize many Christians believe the
only “evil spirits” is the “spirit of homosexuality,” I can attest that there
are many others that come against many people, including Christians. They are nothing to be frightened of, and can
creep into one’s life without our even realizing it. But they indeed do have to be dealt with and
evicted from our spirit before God can do His work in us through His Holy
Spirit. It doesn’t “hurt,” but it isn’t
pleasant either. I’ll just leave it at
that.
The scene that transpired is too embarrassing to
talk about, let alone publish in a manuscript.
I didn’t spew columns of projectile vomit or turn my head 360 degrees,
but suffice to say that I had to leave work that day so I could finish having
something of a nervous breakdown. What I
didn’t know was that I had been touched by God Himself, and the sin in my life
clashed with His Glory in a way that left me shaking, trembling, crying, and
completely bewildered at the happenstance I found myself in. But it wasn't my sexual sin so much as my
rejection of God Himself and His Church, and everything both stood for that
actually caused the reaction I experienced.
The years of anti-gay preaching I had heard from every preacher I had
ever listened to had left God and me enemies—and this at the hands of his very
own Church itself!
I have learned since then, that I had been drawn
into His Presence for a reason. Actually, Scripture refers to it as being
translated out of the kingdom of darkness, and into the Light of His Dear
Son. God had finally drawn me to my
knees in repentance. My rebellion
against Him had proven futile, had lost the battle for my soul, and was being
evicted from my spirit. For the next
three days, God and I had a heart-to-heart, son-to-Father, man-to-man talk
about my past—and about my future. He
showed me things that happened during my breakdown at work that took 3 days for
me to process the memories of. I don’t
mean that I kept remembering the same thing over and over again for 3 days. I mean that what transpired in only 20 or 30
minutes of actual time left me with so many memories of that awesome battle for
my soul, that it took me 3 days to process all of them! (Weird, I know…but true).
God and I talked many times during those 3
days. While not in an audible voice, He communicated
to me nonetheless. He told me that
because of my rebellion and bitterness toward Him that He had no choice but to
leave me to struggle on my own until I finally asked Him for His help. Somewhere during that soul battle at work, I
remember shouting the name Jesus so loudly that it could have shaken the
rafters of that old barn back on the farm.
In the course of our conversation, He taught me that He had left me in
darkness until I called upon the Name of the Lord again, and that He did so in
order for me to understand just how little I was capable of without Him, and
how much more I could do with Him.
He caused me to not only understand the contrast of
walking in darkness compared to walking in His Light, but by walking in
darkness for so many years myself, He was using my brokenness and my wanderings
to prepare my heart, my mind, and my spiritual attitude toward Him and his Church,
so that I would be able to minister to people who found themselves in similar
circumstances. That was in July 2004. From that day until this writing, there hasn’t
been a day go by that He has not used me to strengthen someone who was
struggling with emotional issues, drug addictions, alcoholism, sexual
addictions, fear, worry, doubt and a lack of faith in Him; the very same things
I had been struggling with myself for so many years.
What I have learned by ministering to these good
people was that outside of Salvation, we need the Holy Spirit indwelling our
spirits in order to know what God would have us do in any and all
circumstances, so that we may truly find and fulfill our God-given destinies
for His glory! I mentioned that Jesus
baptized me in the Holy Spirit. Actually,
all I knew of the Holy Spirit at the time was that He was God’s own Spirit
living in me. Like so many people (even
Christians), I never knew what the Baptism of the Holy Spirit was. I never knew about casting out demons. I had a very sketchy idea of what the Bible
said about anything other than what I remember from the pastors preaching
against being gay, and how I was going to hell because of it.
In my early childhood and on into adolescence, that
was the full extent of my knowledge of the Word of God, because I simply didn’t
take time to read it. In fact, during
those many years of a rebellious life I didn’t even own a Bible. I just took preachers’ words for it when they
said AIDS was a curse for being homosexual, and yet never offered me the
opportunity to understand why I was who I was, and most often without ever
teaching me about Jesus.
What I have learned since then is not only is the
Baptism of the Holy Spirit a God-ordained event for the new Believer to
experience, but that He is a gift from God Himself that Jesus sent into the
world after His resurrection, as we find written in John 16:13:
When He, the Spirit of Truth (the
Truth-giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole,
full Truth). For He will not speak His
own message [on His own authority]; but He will tell whatever He hears [from
the Father; He will give the message that has been given to Him], and He will
announce and declare to you the things that are to come [that will happen in
the future].
Friends, in July 2004 I had not been to any church
for 24 years. As it happens, God had a
witness at my job who attended Lakewood Church here in Houston. She invited me to go with her and I accepted,
knowing that was what I needed to do in order to re-establish the relationship
I had lost with God. As we approached
the driveway to the church, she told me that I may see and hear some things
that I may not understand.
She said that some people may be dancing, and some
may be speaking in tongues. I told her
through nervous laughter that it was alright with me as long as it was alright
with God. She assured me that not only
was it alright with God, but that God Himself was the One actually speaking,
through the Holy Spirit. I simply said
something like, “oh.”
I was extremely nervous about going to church again
after being away for so long. I had no
idea of what to expect. I had been
raised on “fire and brimstone” pastors who scared the living daylights out of
me when they screamed about how mad God was at everyone and how we had all
better straighten up and fly right, or we would burn in hell for all of eternity! The two years we attended the Mormon Church
was much more sedate, but I’ll never forget the reaction of the Bishop when at
the age of 15, when I confessed that I not only masturbated but was gay. He told me I needed to marry a woman, but
must wait until I was of legal age. When
I asked what I should do in the meantime, his only answer was, “don’t
masturbate, and don’t be gay.” They
never told me about the Biblical truths I have share with you within the pages of
The Bed Keeper about the awesome
greatness and goodness of God. No, I had
to find most of that out on my own, though I did have some great teachers along
the way once I became connected at Lakewood Church. But even they didn’t teach me some of the
things I shared, although I do believe they are now listening in and watching
to see where all this leads in context of the Body of Christ.
I’m sure many Christians—especially gay, lesbian, bisexual
and transgender Christians—experienced those same fiery messages, but thank God
He is progressive, and has planted many Spirit-filled churches all over the
planet! He has brought into our lives, a
collection of vibrant, encouraging, edifying and life-impacting messages of how
to apply the Word and promises of God into everyday modern life. He is showing the world how a Holy Spirit led
church can be an awesome place of worship, learning, and growing in the things
and ways of God, the Holy Spirit, and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He’s also showing me the truth of His Word
concerning eunuchs, vis-Ã -vis gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people,
and our important and prophetic role in the return of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Thanks to the inspiring and encouraging messages of
hope and love from Pastor Joel Osteen, in September 2004 I finally found the courage
to walk down to the altar and rededicate my life to the Lord. I was scared, but I knew that God was calling
me into His Presence and I knew there must be a reason why! His mom, Dodie Osteen met me at the altar and
gave me a huge hug. I often credit her
hug for squeezing the revelations I share in The Bed Keeper out of my heart.
For the first few months following my rededication, I believed God was
calling me to chastise me, but on the contrary; He was calling me to forgive me,
and to put me on assignment in His Kingdom work!
It was the beginning of a whole new way of living
and thinking as He began to lift me up out of the darkness and began the
process of pruning off the dead branches of sin, bitterness, resentment, and
anger that had become overgrown in the Eden of my heart. The results have amazed and astonished
myself, my family, and my friends! At
that point in my life, I had a lot of old habits to break, a lot of old wounds
to heal, and a lot of sin to turn my back on—and not just sexual sin. Suddenly, God delivered me from two of my oldest
bondages; marijuana and alcohol addiction.
In their place, He brought Peace back into my soul! It was the first time in my life I knew what
Peace felt like. Suddenly, I was
enjoying life more, and gradually I began to study the Bible and learn and grow
more into the realization of the Holy Spirit and His purpose in my life, and in
the life of every Believer regardless of their denominational or religious
backgrounds, and regardless if we are gay or straight.
But God didn’t stop there! What I didn’t know at the time was that He was
going to begin speaking to me more directly and clearly than ever before, and
that He had placed a desire in my heart to hear and obey Him more directly and
clearly than ever before! I know now
that the Holy Spirit of God was already living inside of me since I had
accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at age 9. But the Holy Spirit had suffered from neglect
and spiritual malnutrition from my failing to follow God and stay in His Word.
One of the very next things God led me to do in
September 2004 was to check into a hotel for 3 days and do nothing but feed on
His Word, completely isolated from the stress and distractions of my everyday
life, so He could bring me back into His Love, His Presence, and His Divine
Destiny which He had already foreordained for my life before the foundations of
the world. It was another glorious 3
days spent in His Presence. I didn’t
even own a bible yet, but the Gideon’s had left one in the hotel room before my
arrival. (God bless the Gideons!) I opened and turned to read Jeremiah 29:11
which says:
For I know the plans and thoughts I
have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not
for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
That passage began the new outlook for my life as
it has given me the burning desire in my heart to share the good news of God’s
Plan and the role of the Holy Spirit for our lives with anyone who would
listen! I believe that if I had read
this verse in Jeremiah as a young gay boy crying out for relief from the pain
of an abusive childhood, that I would have had the faith to wait on God to
remove my father’s abuse in my life. As
it turns out, He had other ideas. I
believe that He was leading me through the wilderness of the world to be
tempted, knowing full well that I would fall and knowing that the experiences I
would live out would become the “mess” that would become my “message,” and the
“mistakes” that would become my “ministry.”
He was right about the “mess” part. And I believe He is right about the “message”
part too! I also believe this is true of
anyone who has ever taken their eyes and heart off of God before He re-focuses
their vision to see what really matters: Eternal Life with Him! I just thank God that His hand was always
there to keep me alive, to keep me out of jail, to keep me out of an insane
asylum, and to keep me as healthy as He could.
Unfortunately, due to my own carelessness and sexual promiscuity, in
July 2001 I was diagnosed as being HIV+.
This was one thing He couldn’t prevent, but it would still be something
He would use to encourage me to follow His plan for my life to teach Believers
about the eunuchs of Scripture, and the Holy Spirit.
However, I don’t blame God. I don’t blame the government for taking so
long to say the word “AIDS.” I don’t
even blame myself, though I admit I certainly did blame all of the above for a
time. Now, I simply take responsibility
for the fact that I had the information that would have prevented me from
contracting HIV, and I simply ignored it. Because of deception from the enemy, because
of the moral looseness of the world, and because of the deep wounds of my past,
I was in “self-destruct” mode. I wasn’t out
to intentionally contract HIV, but I didn’t do everything I could to make sure
I wouldn’t. The sad but simple truth is
that I didn’t care if I lived or died.
To me, life wasn’t worth living without God, and certainly not worth
living if I was going to hell anyway for being gay. I truly felt “damned if I do, and damned if I
don’t”…so I did.
That’s what walking in darkness without the Light
of God’s Love will do to a person.
That’s why I believe it’s so important to hold every pastor and Church Shepherd
accountable for the words he or she shares from the pulpit, or on television,
or in their books. The plan of the enemy
has been to use the issues relating to people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual
and transgender to tear apart families and keep us out of Church, hoping we
would never discover the truth as God’s Word portrays them through the eunuch Scriptures. While I don’t believe most pastors are bad
people, or intentionally out to bring harm to gay youth, it is nevertheless
incumbent upon those of us who now see God’s truth on the matter to share it
with pastors who themselves continue to walk in darkness on the matter because
of the blinding effect of traditions of men upon the Word of God and it’s
power.
Indeed, that’s the plan to kill, steal and destroy
that Satan uses in churches all over the world.
The temptation for pastors to cave in when it’s time to share God’s
truth with the Congregation has been the one thing that has kept the truth
about people who are gay hidden for centuries.
And it leads many of us to live a miserable and lonely existence of
pain, rejection, and separation from God’s people and His love. But according to God’s Word, such practices
by preachers are unscriptural, and God has much to share in His Word about it
for those willing to take the time to really study the Scriptures.
During my special times of rediscovering God and
His mercy, He told me that I was to do something about it. He told me that I would minister to many
people, including those living with HIV/AIDS. He told me that I would begin helping gay,
lesbian, bisexual and transgender people come to understand that God was not
mad at us, and that I would bear fruit for God by teaching them the truth, even
if the Church never did. In doing so, He
said I would then deliver many of them into His Kingdom. He told me that I can do even more. He told me to speak up. He told me to be honest. He told me to be compassionate. He told me that I would reach out to those who
felt rejected by their families, their God, and their church, and give them a
new hope for their lives.
Through the leadership of the Holy Spirit, I now
know that I can do even more. I can make
intercessory prayers that doctors and scientists will discover a cure for this
deadly disease before any of the 40 million infected people around the world
die from it. I can believe for miracle
healings for myself and anyone I get permission and opportunity to lay hands on
and pray over. As Pastor Joel is always
saying, I can’t do anything about my past, but I can certainly have an impact
on my future. It’s my calling. It’s my mission. It’s my destiny. I can also be the one person in my blood line
that stands against sexual abuse.
My father sexually abused my sister and me
both. (Yes, I was gay before he abused
me, and no, his abuse did not cause me to be gay). The idea that being gay is caused by being
abused ignores all the people who are gay, but were not abused, and all the
straight people who were abused but are still straight). My father was a very lost, angry man, and
most likely was sexually abused himself as a child. I don’t know all that made my father become
the angry, bitter and lost man I knew him as, but I can do something else: I can forgive him!
In June 2005, I did exactly that. I drove the 1500 miles from Houston to
Illinois to visit his gravesite on Father’s Day. We had an awesome visit. I lied down on the ground above where he was
buried and just let him hold me in his arms and cried on his shoulders. I opened up to him in ways I never could have
while he was alive. I told him all that
God was doing in my life. I told him
about all the wrong decisions I had made with my life and how the power of the
Holy Spirit was helping me turn it around—not just for myself—but for gay Believers
all over the world. I told him about how
God has so blessed me with His Presence, Deliverance, Healing, and Love. And I told him something I hadn’t said to him
since I was very young. I told him,
“Daddy, I love you! Daddy, I forgive you! Daddy, I’ll be happy to see you when
I get to heaven.”
You may be wondering if such a man could make it to
heaven. My Bible says he made it, and I
just have to believe it! Acts 2:21 says:
And it shall be that whoever calls
upon the name of the Lord [invoking, adoring, and worshipping the Lord—Christ]
shall be saved.
Friends, if I can live the life I’ve led and still
be welcomed in the courts of the Lord, and if my father made it to heaven, we
all can! We simply must believe. In my mind, even through those 24 years I had
my back turned toward God, I believed that as long as I was saved, I could do
what I wanted to and God still loved me.
Later, I learned that’s true, but while God’s love is freely available to all
people, His promises are reserved
for those who enter into covenant with
Him. God doesn’t want us to stay
where we are in our spiritual walk with Him, and there are natural consequences
to our actions, even those we are forgiven for.
I learned also that He wants to lead us where He
wants us to go, by the power of the Holy Spirit. By following His Holy Spirit, we bear fruit for
His honor and glory, and fulfill the purpose He has for our lives. I just wish now the Church had told me that
applied to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people also. I just may have had a completely different
life. My father’s life after divorcing
my mother is a good example. Daddy had
also turned to the Lord later in his life, and even served God in his church. He finally found peace from the turmoil that
had characterized his life while married to my mother, and spent the last 12
years of his life peacefully and happily remarried to his first ex-wife. They had had two children before he met my
mother, and they brought him great joy through their children—his grandchildren.
As my father matured as a man, I believe he matured
as a Christian. I remember being present
at his baptism in 1979, a year before he and my mother divorced. I saw the changes God was working in him for
that last year of their marriage. I know
that my father is in heaven right now looking down with pride and love and joy
in his heart as his son leaves his own sinful ways, and begins to serve God as
well. And I know I will see my father in heaven when I get there!
With my life, and with my father’s, the principal
is the same. We both grew up under a
generational curse of sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse, and carried
those scars and that curse into the next generation. I have no children and never married, and I
don’t think I ever will either. I
believe I am the end of the road for that generational curse, and Satan will
just have to go back and pout about it, because I’m not turning back, I’m not
giving in, and I’ll not lose the victories Jesus has manifested in my life!
That’s what I bring to the Body of Christ. A testimony of bitter defeat and sweet
victory, all rolled into one. I think
many Believers have the same testimony, whether we are gay or straight. I think that may be part of God’s overall plan
for man to become victorious over comers, so that we may lead others into
victory, through our testimony and our witness to the power of the love and
blood of the Lamb, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit leading our lives.
I think that as Believers, God not only invites us
to eat from the King’s Table, but that he makes sure we all have something to
bring to the King’s Table: our mess and our message! I believe the meal at the King’s Table is a
“potluck dinner” known as life. Everyone
has to bring their own dish of victory, and as I’m sure we all have learned
somewhere in our lives, you can’t bake a dish of victory without a dash of
defeat!
Further, I believe the conversation at the dinner
table is what our testimonies are all about. Why we are there? We were invited by God! What do we bring? Future manifestations of His will in our
lives! Why else are we there? To be edified by God as He feeds our spirits
so that we may be strong in the Lord, strong in the Word, and strong in our
Faith! Why should we grow strong? So that we can be empowered to edify the Body
of Christ!
I learned that we cannot edify the Body of Christ
unless we have ourselves first been edified by God, and that happens through
the Church—or at least it’s supposed to! He has to love us, feed us, nurture us, and
let us take our own steps along the way.
We must be walking with fellow Believers though. In walking with each other, we help each
other back up when we inevitably fall and stumble.
We will inevitably become humble. In becoming humble, we will ask for His
mighty Hand to lift us back up and reset our feet upon the path we are to walk
on. This is how He has operated with man
ever since the creation of Adam.
Actually, this differs very little from any parent raising their
children in the ways in which he should go.
For me, this entire process can be summed up with the His Holy Word as
we read in Romans 8:14:
For all who are led by the Spirit of
God are sons of God.
I learned that we are edified by God, by being led
by His Holy Spirit living inside of us! Following
that leading is what makes us His children!
It’s His voice! It’s His
counsel! It’s His strong Hand lifting us
up from the inside out, into His glorious presence, and into the inheritance of
salvation and eternal life which we all share in Jesus Christ! What could be more edifying to the Believer
than to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are His very own child? This is very exciting to me, and I want to
tell everyone on the face of the earth about all the discoveries I have made in
God’s Word and in the awesome life He has in store for us as Believers, and
especially for us gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Believers!
The biggest discovery of my life was found on
Christmas Day in 2004, when something glorious, powerful, and wonderful
happened in my deepening walk with the Lord.
For years, my family (like most families) had always enjoyed expressing
some of the more commercial aspects of the Christmas season with some heavy
duty gift-giving. However, I didn’t join
them in 2004. Instead, I stayed home,
having decorated with only a small nativity scene. As midnight Christmas Eve approached, I knelt
before the Nativity scene and began praying to the baby Jesus with my head
until I could see Him in the flesh….as a baby….in that manger (at least in my
mind’s eye). The birth of Jesus was the
moment that changed the world. It
changed our calendars as we began referring to dates in B.C. and A.D.
On Christmas Day, 2004 A.D., celebrating the birth
of Jesus changed my life forever! As I
knelt praying, I suddenly made an unusual utterance. And I kept uttering it! And then the utterance grew with these little
syllables that were coming out of my mouth, but they didn’t make sense to my
mind. I continued this “conversation”
for about 30 minutes or so, and as I did I felt the Presence of God fill my
entire spirit being for the very first time in my life. Suddenly, I remembered that day at work back
in July 2004 when during that emotional outpouring, I had made a few
unintelligible sounds with my mouth.
That’s when I fully realized what had happened that day in July 2004,
was that Jesus had indeed baptized me in the Holy Spirit! What was happening on that Christmas Eve
while praying before the Nativity scene was that my prayer language vocabulary
began to grow!
I know now that I was praying in the Spirit,
although I had not yet actually received any ministering of the baptism of the
Holy Spirit from anyone, but I highly recommend seeking mature prayer leaders
in a church so that you can not only receive the Baptism of the Holy Spirit,
but so you can fully understand the role the Holy Spirit’s indwelling serves,
and how to cultivate your prayer language and use it to edify your spirit.
Again, you don’t need to have someone minister it
to you. In fact, the reason it happened
to me the way it does for many Believers (while alone), is because Jesus—not
man—is the One Who baptizes us with the Holy Spirit as we learn from John the
Baptist in Matthew 3:11:
I indeed baptize you in (with) water
because of repentance [that is, because of your changing your minds for the
better, heartily amending your ways, with abhorrence of your past sins]. But He
Who is coming after me is mightier than I, Whose sandals I am not worthy or fit
to take off or carry; He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.
For the next several months, I continued to
experiment with my new gift, and as the vocabulary of the utterances increased,
so too did my thirst and hunger for a greater understanding of what was going
on. I began to research speaking in
tongues, which then led me to a greater understanding of the Baptism of the
Holy Spirit. I had never heard of
it. Was it new? Was it Scriptural? What was it for? Was it for today? Was it for me? As you can tell, I had more questions than
answers. So in my newness in Christ, I
began to study God’s Word and listen to His anointed teachers who helped me
begin to discern for myself what the indwelling of the Holy Spirit was, why I
had received it, and why it is so beneficial to the Body of Believers.
In October 2005, I went to the next level, and was actually ministered the
baptism of the Holy Spirit with 16 other seeking Believers at a Men’s Encounter
hosted by Lakewood Church’s Men’s Ministry.
At last, my questions about what I had considered a “phenomena” had been
answered. My vocabulary was verified as
being from the Holy Spirit! I felt the
utterance become more clear and distinct.
I felt a greater sense of confidence in praying in tongues! I have never been more edified than after
praying in my prayer language, and I do it every day!
My life continues to change, as the Holy Spirit
unlocks hidden meanings and spiritual truths contained throughout the
Bible. He has led me to make better
quality decisions. He has led me away
from danger and evil, and towards the Light of God and my destiny in Christ
Jesus! I know I had been changed forever
as I began to be knit into the Body of Christ.
I have grown from knowing God’s Presence in my head, to knowing His very
Essence in my heart! And the same will
happen for you too, if you simply believe, seek, and pursue everything the
Bible says you are, everything the Bible says you can do, and everything the
Bible says you can have!
What an awesome, joyful and powerful feeling it is
to know that we are the temples of the Holy Spirit! What a treasure with which to enjoy life (and
to be guided through it into our destiny), as God’s Holy Word and our destiny
become realities to be grasped, treasured and lived! As I read and re-read the Scriptures through
the eyes and ears of my spirit, the Holy Spirit explains to me what I am
reading in a new and powerful and applicable way, just as Jesus promised He
would in John 16:13:
But when He, the Spirit of Truth (the
Truth-giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole,
full Truth). For He will not speak His own message [on His own authority]; but
He will tell whatever He hears [from the Father; He will give the message that
has been given to Him], and He will announce and declare to you the things that
are to come [that will happen in the future].
What an awesome comfort and privilege it is to have the Holy Spirit explaining
to my spirit what it is I’m reading, and how it will impact my future, and
those whom He leads me to minster to. I
found that if I simply hear and obey His Word, life can be much more enjoyable
and purposeful. Because the Word of God
is His voice speaking to us about His will for our lives, and how to walk as
worthy representatives of the Lord Jesus Christ, I found that we can find our
place in the Body of Christ to be of service to God. By being in service to God, I find true
happiness comes as His Light shines through us, bringing more souls into the Kingdom
for His glory! This is the fruit we bear
for God. Beyond this great privilege and
responsibility is the promise that Jesus gives us regarding the Holy Spirit in
Acts 1:8:
But you shall receive power (ability,
efficiency, and might) when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you shall be
My witnesses in Jerusalem and all Judea and Samaria and to the ends (the very
bounds) of the earth.
Through my growing obedience to God, the Holy
Spirit’s power continues to grow in my life.
As He has, God began to place on my heart to use my gift for writing to
communicate to the Body of Christ. He
has placed several subjects in my spirit, but the first and most important one
He wants me to complete for His glory is this one. I truly believe with all my heart that God
wants people to KNOW the Holy Spirit and why the Holy Spirit was sent by Jesus
after His resurrection, and I believe He wants the entire Body of Christ to
learn and know that LGBT people play a vitally critical and prophetic role in
the return of Jesus Christ!
I had always enjoyed writing as a boy. It continues to be a gift that grows within
me, and I find that as I yield to the Holy Spirit, that gift has taken on a new
purpose. The words are sharper, clearer
and infinitely more powerful as I defer to the Holy Spirit’s leadership and ask
Him to make the words I scribe to be God’s words instead of my own. Now, seven years after receiving the Baptism
of the Holy Spirit, I believe God is attempting to take me to the next level in
my walk with Him, by giving me the promptings to fulfill that same longing for
progress in my walk with God and my service to Him. I believe that Believers everywhere share
that same longing to fulfill their own destiny.
I found that God’s answer is simple:
To have more of God’s love, power, and favor, we must allow ourselves to
be submitted to and led by the Spirit of God! By being led by the Spirit of God, we are
truly sons (and daughters) of God! (Romans
8:14)
As His children, we unlock the awesome plan He has
in store for our lives, our families, our ministries, our churches, and our
outreach to the lost! It’s an awesome
thing to be a child of the Most High God!
Friend, I can tell you from experience that if you will follow Him, you
won’t just be experiencing a lifestyle—you’ll be living an adventure!
If you have ever wanted to explore the heights of
God’s love living in you, if you have ever wanted to more clearly hear what He
has in store for your life, and if you have ever wanted to move to the next
level of glory but felt like you had reached a spiritual plateau, then I pray The Bed Keeper will bless you beyond
measure with greater revelation insight and wisdom, so that you may know what
is the limitless, surpassing greatness of the Holy Spirit living inside of you!
And that goes for everyone, including gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgender Believers, or what the Scriptures refer to as eunuchs,
born so from our mother’s wombs, created both male and female for the sake of
the Kingdom of Heaven, for such a time as this!
May God bless you and yours richly and always!
In Jesus’ Mighty Name! Amen!
Sincerely,
Brian Anthony Bowen
Author, The Bed Keeper
***************************************************************
Part One:
UPDATE 10.27.12:
UPDATE 04.29.12:
Dear Valued Readers,
This blog is a work in progress. As events in the Church impact previously published posts, updates will be published at the end of each post in order to provide the utmost transparency and clarity to all concerned parties as this new move of God progresses. Readers may email thebedkeeper@gmail.com to discuss or comment on any posting. Please note that while all feedback is highly valued and appreciated, it may not be possible to reply to each email.
UPDATE 02.09.13: Listen in as Brian Anthony Bowen provides the NCK and Friends radio audience with valuable insights into Biblical support of Same Sex Marriage that the Church doesn't seem to want us to know!
UPDATE 02.09.13: Listen in as Brian Anthony Bowen provides the NCK and Friends radio audience with valuable insights into Biblical support of Same Sex Marriage that the Church doesn't seem to want us to know!
Part One:
Part Two:
UPDATE 10.27.12:
Eagle Mountain International Church took an official position on gay marriage in a sermon on 10.14.12. While not in support of gay marriage, Pastor George reminds his congregation that "those considered to be gay" are equally worthy of love and compassion. Pastor Terri continues to consider being gay as "being caught up in bondage." Several passages of Scripture were quoted to support their views, but no mention was made of any Scriptures that disprove their view, such as discussed in Chapter One: Born This Way and Chapter Two: God Sanctioned Gay Marriage. While I am not rescinding my endorsement of Eagle Mountain International Church as a safe space for LGBT people to worship, I am officially recommending we no longer support them financially. It is clear we have a long way to go in educating the Church, and I remain hopefully confident that after the 2012 elections are over, we will have more opportunities to walk further into the new revelations from God's Word shared throughout this blog. I encourage all LGBT people and our families to continue to hold Pastor George and Terri up in prayer, so that the eyes of their understanding may be flooded with light, and they come to more fully understand the prophetic role that LGBT people play in the spiritual life of the Christian Church, and the return of Jesus Christ.
UPDATE 04.29.12:
My previous endorsement of Lakewood Church is hereby retracted due to this interview: http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/04/29/473250/joel-osteen-gay-sin/?mobile=ncwherein Pastor Joel Osteen declares that "being gay" itself is a sin. That is NOT what the Bible says, and I cannot support it, nor ask anyone else to. I explained this in a previous letter to Pastor Joel in response to his interview with Piers Morgan, which can be reviewed here. I apologize for the mixed messages my own comments may tend to manifest themselves as in this case, but it is an unfortunate result of Pastor Joel's own mixed messages, and his decision to tailor his messages to the audience to whom he is speaking at the time. Should he publicly apologize for his unScriptural comments, and declare he has come to understand the difference between saying "being gay is a sin" and "homosexuality is a sin" (to reflect Scripture's own narrowly defined context of married men who engaged in adultery on their wives to be with men...which has nothing to do with LGBT people), I hope to renew my endorsement of Lakewood Church at some point in the future....but not until then.
UPDATE 01.15.12:
Lakewood Church officially endorsed as a SAFE SPACE for LGBT people to worship! Details here.
UPDATE 11.22.11:
Eagle Mountain International Church officially endorsed as a SAFE SPACE for LGBT people to worship! Details here.
UPDATE 12.16.11:
Please also review the response shared with a debate panel regarding the Bible's position on homosexuality, that reveals the unScriptural stance "ex-gay" theology manifests itself as here.
Lakewood Church officially endorsed as a SAFE SPACE for LGBT people to worship! Details here.
UPDATE 11.22.11:
Eagle Mountain International Church officially endorsed as a SAFE SPACE for LGBT people to worship! Details here.
UPDATE 12.16.11:
Please also review the response shared with a debate panel regarding the Bible's position on homosexuality, that reveals the unScriptural stance "ex-gay" theology manifests itself as here.
